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• Funny Gender Jokes |
Funny
Gender Jokes
Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you''re right, but he just hasn''t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn''t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine''s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Seminars for a woman
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.
The following courses will be offered:
General Education:
GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
GE104: How to Parallel Park
GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera
Home Economics:
HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature
HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don''t Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")
HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby
IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else''s Life Too")
IR106: Understanding Men''s Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little ''Plastic Applicator'' is REALLY For!")
Women''s translations
WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now. Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead
= I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're
so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're
certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby
thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new
house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean
hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost
asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something
today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find
a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and
walk him until he goes to sleep.
I''m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What's wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!
Women seeking men
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
40-ish means: 48
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate means: Possessive
Artist means: Unreliable
Average looking means: You figure this one out
Beautiful means: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
Educated means: College dropout
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street
Free spirit means: Substance abuser
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun means: Annoying
Gentle means: Comatose
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
Humorous means: Caustic
Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn''t count
In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker means: Lush
Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel means: If you''re paying
Loves Animals means: Cat lady
Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Open-minded means: Desperate
Outgoing means: Loud
Passionate means: Loud
Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic
Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable means: Frumpy
Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out
Romantic means: Looks better by candle light
Self-employed means: Jobless
Smart means: Insipid
Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows
Spiritual means: Involved with a cult
Stable means: Boring
Tall, thin means: Anorexic
Tan means: Wrinkled
Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged means: first husband to death
Writer means: Pompous
Young at heart means: How about the rest
Women''s instructions
WOMEN''S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don''t imagine you can change a man - unless he''s in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you''re not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man''s mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Never marry a man for money. You''ll have to earn every penny.
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
If he asks what sort of books you''re interested in, tell him check books.
A man''s idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I''ll stay the night".
Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn''t even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you if you''re faking it tell him no, you''re just practicing.
When he asks you if he''s your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
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