| JokeFix.com
• Funny One Liner Jokes |
Funny
One Liner Jokes
Steven Wright 01
You know how it is when you''re reading a book and falling asleep, you''re reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I''m like that all the time.
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You''re wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they''re the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you''re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you''re just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
Right now I''m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I''ve forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn''t doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn''t hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can''t read music so I don''t know what it is. Every once in a while I''ll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don''t accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Steven Wright 02
I''ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can''t fix it. So I''m going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don''t know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I''m so hyper . . . [Said with a very dull voice.]
If you can''t hear me, it''s because I''m in parentheses.
Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn''t me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don''t.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Steven Wright 03
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I''m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn''t pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
It''s a small world, but I wouldn''t want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can''t have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world''s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you''ve seen it.
Steven Wright 04
It''s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they''d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I''m leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I''m going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don''t have that much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings . . . Boy With Pail . . . Kitten On Fire.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven''t had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
Steven Wright 05
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You''d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There''s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that''s the part you don''t want to get dirty.
I went to a general store. They wouldn''t let me buy anything specifically.
Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5''s. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
