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Funny
Parent Jokes
Thoughts and quotes
The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn''t have anything to do with it.
Out of food supplies
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.
To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.
As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:
"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT ''OUT OF IT."''
Mom would never say
Things Mom Would Never Say
1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it''s good for another week"
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I''ll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
6. "Well, if Timmy''s mom says it''s OK, that''s good enough for me."
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It''s not like I''m running a prison around here."
8. "I don''t have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
9. "Don''t bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
My wife is pregnant
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
Great first parent
The First Parent
by Bill Cosby
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God''s omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don''t."
"Don''t what?", Adam replied.
"Don''t eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
"It''s over there," said God, wondering why He hadn''t stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.
"Didn''t I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God''s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven''t taken it, don''t be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Have a first child
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife''s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Pass out in shock
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.
Someone dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."
The pre-birth class
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, ''We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.'' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ''Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.''"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
Expert on parenting
The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.
The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there''s anything you want to know, just ask me."
Travel on the plane
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I''ve done all the talking, and I''m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
Shopping for goods
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have ''Eyes of Blue'' and ''A Love Supreme''?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don''t think so," replied the man, "but it''s as close as I want to get."
Kids tough question
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.
Father: !!!??????!!!
Adults have learned
Great truths about life that adults have learned
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I''m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don''t hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
6. Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7. Today''s mighty oak is just yesterday''s nut that held its ground.
8. Laughing helps. It''s like jogging on the inside.
9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11. If you can remain calm, you just don''t have all the facts.
We have new babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Go to the hospital
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you''re the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that''s really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don''t tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don''t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody''s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I''m o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."
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